dextra: (Hugh Laurie)
I hate my brains. I've been having those cluster migraines (as Aimee so helpfully identified for me) on and off for a while now. Yesterday was not a good day for it. I was up until about 6 am because every time I would think about lying down, one would hit. And I can't lay down because it hurts worse when I have one, and they tend to happen in, well, clusters. Like around 3 or 4 in the span of an hour or two.

When I finally did decide it was safe to go to bed, I was happily cuddled up next to Tony. He was a sweetheart and stayed up with me, because he's cool like that. And then as we were readjusting ourselves, he elbowed me in the temple. Totally an accident, but I know it made him feel bad, because it triggered a new round of brain bombs that made me cry. He's never seen me cry (y'all know how I am about that shit), so I felt bad for making him feel bad....vicious cycle of FAIL.

So I woke up about an hour ago to the smell of coffee and sloppy joes. Mom apparently decided that made a good breakfast. Ew.

*I tend to spout out random words before sleep and upon waking. I don't know why.
dextra: (Heroes - I see what you did there)


I checked the DVR and it's not recording until Saturday. *HEADDESK HEADDESK HEADDESK*


Jan. 14th, 2005 10:46 am
dextra: (goth local)
I think my head is trying to prove to me that it can hold more snot than brain. At least it feels that way, because my mind obviously isn't working properly.

Still haven't found a babysitter. I decided that I'm not going to drive all the way to Covington and pay $150 a week for daycare, since that's just retarded. I called my boss and told him what the sitch was, and he told me I could bring the girls with me, just either before or after the lunch rush, and they can hang out in the dining room and watch tv. I know other people do that, but I'm still kind of unsure about how a lot of things work there. My boss is cool about a lot of things though, so I really can't complain. And it's awesome that he'll let me do that. I just hope the girls will let me work and not aggravate everyone. Maybe if Cayman brings his son in, they'll have someone to play with. The boss did tell me that there's some gymnastics center that does child care by the hour, but he wasn't sure of the name, so when I go in later, I'll see if he can remember, and I'll give them a call. Although I'm hoping that Michelle will call me back and I can get her to babysit instead.

I have to everything I try to do difficult for some reason beyond my control, or do I do it to myself without realizing it? It's maddening, it really is.
dextra: (Default)
One of the best and worst things about my job is having to make the employee schedule. This is a good thing because it allows me to make my own hours. Although, my brother was the one making it before me, so I got my schedule made right, anyway. But the bad thing is having to make everyone's schedule work. I have to make sure all the crucial times are covered, no one is left short-handed, and everyone gets their requested days off. This is proving to be a major bitch this time around.

Next Friday we're due to have a corporate inspection. A guy from the corporate office is supposed to show up and see how the store is running, and more importantly, how well the employees are performing. AND, on the same day, I have 4 people asking for the night off. They're all in high school and they're wanting to go to the homecoming dance. Understandable, but, we've lost a few employees over the past few weeks, and I don't think I have enough people to cover a Friday night and let them all have the night off. Matter of fact, I know I don't. And on top of that, I'm due to turn this in to my boss in about eight hours. Yipee!

So I've been procrastinating horribly. Last night I spent it talking to a friend of mine about a project we've been working on, and hopefully by next week something good will come out of it (fingers and toes crossed), and spent sometime on the phone. Same thing tonight. I want to get it over with, but I'm stuck when it comes to Friday. I mean, I could probably let 2 of them off and still have everything run ok, but all four? No way. I'd be fucked. And I hate working on Friday and Saturday. Sometimes I don't get out of there until nearly 2 am because cleaning up the chaos of the night takes for-fucking-ever.

And yet, while I should be buckling down and getting this shit over with, I'm sitting here typing and whining about how hard this is. Yeah, THAT'LL help.


Apr. 13th, 2004 04:13 pm
dextra: (cherry)
Fell asleep at about 11. Mom woke me up at 1:30 telling me "I can't have you sleeping all day, I've got work to do around here!" According to Dave, she slept till noon, so there's the whole pot calling the kettle black thing. I already feel crappy from not sleeping last night, and the last thing I needed was a reminder my lack of job and purpose.

I feel like crap enough as it is. I don't need any more reminders of what I can't do. I'd tell the lot of them to go fuck themselves, but that won't do me any good. I really just want to either go back to sleep and wake up feeling better (which isn't an option right now) or go pound on something rather than sitting here complaining.
dextra: (Default)
I think I'm fucking spiraling or something. I can't get anything to go right. Still can't get a ride to go look for work. Still haven't heard anything from the resumes I've sent out (and I counted, I've sent out 41 in the past week or so). And the few job interviews I've been to haven't yielded any results either. I can't get anyone to return my calls.

I'm supposed to go back to the counselor tomorrow and I have to have at least 20 jobs that I've applied to listed so that she can call them up and check on them. But out of the 41 jobs I've applied for, at least 30 of them have been online, and there weren't any phone numbers listed for most of them. So I don't know if that's going to count against me or what.

I keep aggravating the shit out of mom and granny because they're the only rides I've got. Of course, Goob always has Granny's car, unless she has to go to the doctor or something. Mom "never has time" and won't just let me drive her van, or let me use Beth's while she's at school. Which is such shit. And apparently this is because I'm not on her insurance. Well bloody fuckin' hell! If they want me to get a job and get out of the house, how am I supposed to do that when I can't even get out to GET a fucking job? I HATE sitting around here all the goddamn time waiting for nothing. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be stuck like this indefinetly. Right now I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and it scares the hell out of me.

Someone told me once that they thought I lived a "charmed life" because they thought everything always seemed to work out for me when something went wrong. Well, if I'm living such a charmed life, then maybe things would quit going wrong for a change and start going right. I'm tired of complaining. I'm tired of getting shit on. I just want to get on with my life. And even when I try to do that, I can't get it to happen.
dextra: (dark angel)
I hate everyone and everything today.

That's all.
dextra: (Default)
I feel so drained. I don't know why. Oh, yeah, I do. I didn't really sleep. I laid down, I closed my eyes, but sleep did not occur. I heard everything in the house until I gave up and rolled out of bed about 7:00 am. My mind is just too racked with worry and frustration. My car's been fixed since Friday, but I haven't been able to get someone to take me up there yet. Need car. Need car so I can get job. Need job so I can have money. Need money so I can get the fuck out of here and into my own place. Frustration on top of frustration.

It occurred to me this morning while talking to my mother that I'm way beyond too old for this shit. We were watching the Today show and Suzanne Sommers was on there talking about all the "natural" things she's done to keep herself looking so young. I told mom that sometimes I look in the mirror and think "God, I look like hell warmed over." And other times, I'll think that I don't look like I'm that close to 30. And then it really hit me. I'm almost 30. And I have nothing to show for it. Fuck.

Of course, I have my kids. I'm relatively healthy. But other than that, I got shit. I'm not happy with my life the way it is. I'm living with my parents. I don't even have a job (for the time being). And I'm lonely as all hell. However if someone would CALL ME, I would feel just a little bit better. Not that I'm worried or anything. :p


Feb. 13th, 2004 09:27 pm
dextra: (Default)
I....ain't got nobooooday.... )

I hate Valentines day now with an all consuming passion. Last year I was just lonely due to circumstances beyond my control. This year I'm lonely and there is no hope of that changing anytime soon. *whine* Poor poor pitiful me. I'm so damn pathetic. I'd go get drunk if I was able to get out to do so. I might just go buy a pint of something strong and drink at home. *grumblegrumblebitchwhinegroan*
dextra: (Default)
So I have approximately 10 days to get everything in order. One of these days maybe I'll learn to stop procrastinating. So I'm going later to go job hunting, hopefully I'll be starting the new year with a new job. I have to go up to Morehead one day next week and try to corner my advisor, because apparently phone calls and emails just don't get her attention. Kids have a doctor's appointment on Friday, and in addition to the other crap I have to do, I have 2 appointments at the Civic Center to deal with. One is to keep my daycare assistance going, and the other is so my case worker can bitch at me for not having a job yet. So if I get a job in the next day or so, it'll nip that in the bud. They still haven't given me the go ahead to fix my car, which is stupid to me, because how the hell am I supposed to get a job without a car to go hunt one down? When I got the estimate, the guy said that it would be just over $300, so if they won't do it, then I'll just have to use whatever money I can get the quickest to take care of that and get it tagged and insured. If I can just get it fixed and get it over here, I'd be happy with that. Then I can use my school money to get it tagged and insured for a few months.

I'm getting there, ever so slowly. Keep your fingers crossed for me people.
dextra: (Default)
It's over. After all this time, and everything we've been through. I just don't understand at all. Two weeks ago he told me he loved me. And now he says he doesn't. Am I just a fool for believing in him? For believing that what we had was strong enough to get us through this? I told him that I needed to know what his decision was...whether he wanted me or not. I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum. But god damn it, I couldn't live hanging like that. It was killing me. Him saying he loved me and knowing that when he was going home, it wasn't coming home to me. In some ways, him telling me no was a relief. I no longer have that anxiety of whether he is or isn't coming back. But I've lost my best friend. I feel like a part of me has died.

Why now? I'd just found out that Beth has a tumor on her ovary not an hour before he called. It hadn't really hit me until after he called. He had that cold, emotionless voice again. The one I hate because I know it's a mask. He doesn't want anyone to know how he's really feeling so he puts up this tough-guy face. I asked him why I don't know how many times. I don't even know if he actually answered me. He said it wasn't because of Tanya...said he'd bounced it around a million times and he doesn't see any good in us getting back together. I was just a wreck. I was in so much pain that I don't remember what all I said, I just remember telling him "I hope you're happy" before hanging up on him. If I had been of a more rational mind, I probably wouldn't have done that. But I couldn't stay on the phone in that state anyway. I sat in the floor and just screamed and cried for what seemed like forever. I didn't want to believe it was real. I remember Mom coming in there and asking if we'd gotten into a fight, and I told her that he didn't want me anymore.

I had emailed him between the time I'd given him the ultimatum and the time he called me the other night, just reiterating everything I'd already said. Then last night, for reasons I'm not even sure of myself, I sent him a Yule card. To add insult to injury, the day after he dumps me, the cd he'd gotten me for Yule came in the mail. I still have that shirt and the song I wrote for him ready to go. I haven't decided if I'm going to send it or not. I probably will. Just because I said I would. I took off my ring and put it back in it's box. I can't bear to look at it without breaking down. Jessica said I should pawn it, but I just can't. It's a piece of my history. And I've let too many of those pieces go, just because I was angry or broke, or in the case of that ring Michael gave me all those years ago, traded off for drugs.

Honestly, I sort of knew that he was going to say no. He hesitated too much. He was too indecisive, and that just isn't like him. And another hint came to me a few nights ago. 2 years ago on his birthday, I'd gotten my ears pierced a second time with sapphire studs, his birthstone. They were in there for a couple of months when I tried to take them out, and I couldn't. I couldn't for 2 years. And then a few nights ago, I was fiddling with them, as I'd gotten in the habit of doing, and one of the backs just popped right off. I tried the other one, and the same thing. Gods I hate being susceptible to omens.

I still love him though. He can change his mind, but I can't change my heart. I want to try to be his friend, but I don't know if I can. I can't talk to him on the phone without wanting to tell him I love him. I can't be near him without wanting to be in his arms. I can't think about him without wanting to break down. I've been holding this back for 2 days. And now, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop crying. He's the only person that could ever do that to me. In all the heartbreaks I've endured in my life....none of them could even move me. CJ, if by some chance you're reading this...only you could hurt me as bad as I'm hurting now. You're the only one that could make me cry. I love you...I always will. Even if you don't.
dextra: (Default)
I'm just so damn lonely. I miss CJ too much. I'm in pain. I'm scared. I'm so tired but I can't sleep cause lying down hurts. I just I could erase the last year and do everything different. I don't want this life anymore. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything's going to be all right again. I can't take much more of this.
dextra: (Default)
Well, I've made the decision that if I don't have any word on any kind of housing by Friday, I'm just going to go ahead and withdraw from school. I feel really low and worthless about it, but getting back on my feet is more important right now.


dextra: (Default)

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