The Dream

Mar. 18th, 2009 01:18 pm
dextra: (Default)
I wrote this down a few weeks ago, and I told Val I would post it when I got it all typed up. I know I don't talk much about spiritual matters anymore, mostly because I don't really believe in anything anymore, but some things never really leave me. Dreams, and their many different meanings and usefulness, they still give me pause to think.

CJ and I used to "share" dreams. Even when were were hundreds of miles away from each other, we would have the same dream, but see it from different points of view. And sometimes we could communicate with each other. So really, I should have known this was coming.

Cut for long, strange, amazing dream )
dextra: (Default)
I had saved a bunch of the cosplay pictures from the San Diego Comic Con for Halloween costume ideas, and for the lulz, because some of them were just horrendous. I didn't look too closely at them at the time. Just zoomed through and right-click-saved them all. Well, I was looking through them with Beth the other night and she was looking at them while I was messing with the boys. Then she stops at one and says "Holy shit, did you SEE this guy?"

I looked up and nearly fell out of my chair. )
dextra: (Heroes - Now you can't have any of my po)
So I get up this morning at a quarter after six after hitting the snooze on my phone only twice. I go get in the shower. Only I forgot to disable the secondary alarms, which go off at 6:30 and 7:00, so I walk back into my room to hear "Fraggle Rawk" blaring. Only I can't FIND the fucking thing. I know I put it on the nightstand because I remember pushing the lamp back in position.

The sound seems to be coming from everywhere, so I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then I looked down a saw a faint blue glow on my foot. It was under the bed. Not just under the edge. No, it was dead center in the middle of the underside of the bed. So far under that I had to shove myself under the bed to retrieve it.

Then I had to get back in the shower to rinse off because that carpet is questionable, there were dustbunnies, and I was still damp to begin with. Once I'm dry and dressed, I immediately march downstairs to get my shoes. They are usually in the "shoe pile" between the end of the sofa and the wall. The pair I wanted? Behind the couch.

That's when I looked up at the urn and said "Very funny, fucker. I get it. Stop hitting the snooze so much. Now quit hiding my shit!"

His biggest pet peeve with me was that I would hit the snooze button like it contained the antidote. Well, it did. 10 extra minutes (or another 10, and another 10) can make all the difference in the world, am I right?

So yeah. That was amusing, if slightly annoying.
dextra: (Default)
Brian did indeed show up to get some of his stuff. He FINALLY took that Bowflex, and the kitchen table and chairs. He's still got some other things here, but he says he'll come back later in the week and get those. I might even be nice and gather it all up for him.

Jennifer, her dad, Bobby, and her brother Joe came to help. Well, Bobby just kind of supervised while Brian and Joe tripped over each other. And since I found the duffel bag under the Bowflex, I loaded up the remainder of CJ's porn stash and gave it to Joe. The magazines are pretty vanilla, but the DVDS...well, they're special. I just hope Joe likes grannies, midgets and trannies. *snickers* CJ had some really fucking weird tastes.

Brian, being well, Brian, made everyone say hello to CJ when they came in. Jennifer already knew that the urn was here, but Bobby and Joe were a little taken aback. Joe just stared at it for a second and Brian yelled "Don't be rude, fucker, say hello!"

I was amused. But I told Bobby that I know it's got to be weird for people when it's pointed out that there's a friggin' dude in a jar on my bookshelf. He said that it's not that unusual, but he can see how some people might be a little weirded out by it.

And Brian informed me that the crew is throwing me a going away party next week at The Shed. That's just so sweet. No one's ever done that for me before. I was actually thinking about having one here, but that's even better. Said we're going to have a bonfire and some drinks and smokes and hang out just like old times. And that we're going to get CJ's little corner set up with his helmet. I've got a little glass jar that I've coated the inside of with ink. I'm going to put a little of his ashes in it and take it over there. I just might need someone to help me do that. That's just...I don't know. Just weird. I'd rather have someone help me so I don't, y'know, knock the entire urn over on the floor or something. It'd be about my luck.

Actually, since I'm going down to New Orleans tomorrow, I might just take a little of the ashes with me then, too. Sprinkle some on the Spanish plaza, under his family's plaque. A little at The Dungeon. A little at Lafitte's. He should be in the places he loved. And he loved a lot of places. So a little here, a little there. And one day, he'll be everywhere. He had too much wanderlust to stay in one place.
dextra: (SIP - Smoke and Mirrors)
I'd drawn this just a few days before we left Arizona. It was not long after I'd done the portrait of Mania, and I wanted to keep my portrait streak going. I'd taken a break from the one of Joey to do this. I found it while rummaging through my portfolio bag. I remember he sat and stared at it for the longest time, commenting on how he was in awe of how I'd captured him so well.

Also, I scanned this in because I'd lost the copies of the set of pictures I'd had when I lost a storage unit a few years ago, but Mom had one in her wallet. This was taken around February of 2000. There's myself and the twins, obviously. The women surrounding us, from the left, are my grandmother, my mother, and my great-grandmother. My grandmothers are still with us, but my great-grandmother is now slowly deteriorating due to advanced Alzheimer's.

Click through to see them full-size.
dextra: (Default)
I'll write more about it later. This is what I managed to say:

It was a completely random and happy accident that CJ and I even met. He showed up at my door one day around this time in 2000 trying to sell me steaks out of a truck. He had his partner with him, and they talked to me about some of the artwork I had on the walls. He was quiet and shy, and as I got to know him, I found that was a rarity. His partner was doing most of the talking, but as they were leaving, he turned to me and said "I like to draw, too. Maybe your art and my art can get together sometime." I just laughed and said goodbye, because it was probably the corniest thing I'd ever heard. I put it out of my mind as soon as they left, because I figured I'd never see them again.

Two days later, he came back and gave me his phone number. I still have it. A few days later we had our first date. It wasn't long before I realized that he was someone very special. There were times when he would come over and we would sit down and start talking, and the next thing we knew, the sun would be coming up. It was like talking to the best friend I'd been missing all my life up until that point.

I'm not going to stand here and lie and say that we had a perfect, fairytale relationship. We had some pretty rough spots. But one way or another, we always persevered, and we always got through whatever life threw at us. There were plenty of times when most other people would throw in the towel and give up, but he never gave up on me, and I never gave up on him.

For a long time we both had agreed that we didn't want to get married, but then we talked about it some, and then we dropped it again. We joked about it a lot, and he would say "How do I know you're not serious?" And I would say because when it came to that, he was never serious. So then after a while, he started adding that one day he would be, and I told him that it would take a lot to make me believe that. Then when he graduated from the motorcycle tech school, during his graduation, he pulled me up on stage in front of a few hundred people and proposed, noting that he needed all the witnesses to prove that he was serious.

It was because he was so fearless when it came to life and love and everything that made him such a likeable person. Whatever he set his mind to do, he did it. Even if it didn't work, because if it didn't, he would find another way that it would. He never made a promise to me that he didn't keep, except for one. He had told me many times that he couldn't die before me, because he didn't want me to be alone. For all his planning and good intentions, he wasn't able to make that one.

He was smart and funny and loving and he was my best friend and no one else on this earth will ever be able to come close to filling the hole he's left in our lives. I loved him more than I ever thought someone could love another person, and I'll never stop.
dextra: (Default)
This is the obituary I wrote up, and gave to the funeral director yesterday. It's going to run in the Times-Picayune tomorrow, and should be visible on

Carmelo Baez, Jr., age 32, Motorcycle Technician at The Hammond Harley-Davidson Shop, died from the result of a motorcycle accident on Monday, July 23, 2007.

He was born September 21, 1974 at Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri to Jenny (nee Lugo) and Carmelo Baez, Sr. He graduated from Merryville High School in Merryville, Louisiana in 1992. Carmelo served in the United States Marine Corps from 1992 to 1998. Carmelo graduated from Clinton Technical Institute - Motorcycle Mechanics Institute in October, 2006.

Carmelo is survived by his fiancee, Dextra Chambers; his son and daughter, Dominic Manuel and Tonaleandra Kiersten Paige Baez; his mother and stepfather, Jenny and Milton Mims; his brother, David Baez; his stepbrother, Milton Mims, Jr.; his sister Laura; and two stepdaughters, Jacqueline and Josephine Arnett. He is further survived by nephews, grandparents, and many friends. He was preceded in death by his father, Carmelo Baez, Sr.

Funeral services for Carmelo Baez, Jr. will be held at 12:00 p.m. Monday, July 30, 2007 at Bagnell & Sons Funeral Home, 75212 Highway 437 (Lee Road), Covington, Louisiana 70433. There will also be a memorial service on September 21, 2007 at The Hammond Harley-Davidson Shop at 7:00 p.m. in Carmelo's honor. Interment will be private.
dextra: (Default)
For the phone calls, and the messages. I don't know why I'm typing really. I just feel like I should document all this. Right now I'm at Brian and Jennifer's house. Brian was with me at the hospital. He actually called to tell me there was an accident. I had just started to eat my lunch down at the sushi bar. I remember driving over there in a whirlwind of emotion. I didn't know whether he was ok or not. I had called the hospital before leaving the restaurant, and they told me to come straight to the emergency room, but wouldn't tell me about his condition. On the way there, I thought I should stop to get cigarettes because I didn't know how long I'd be there.

When I got to the hospital, I was walking up to the ER and saw a cop and a guy with a motorcycle helmet standing out next to the ambulance. They took me in, and it wasn't until we were inside that I realized the guy was Brian. They didn't ask me any questions, just took me straight in to an exam room, and asked me if I was Carmelo's fiance. I remember seeing a doctor, and a couple of officers, a couple of nurses. And the doctor told me about how the accident happened, and then he said that when the paramedics arrived on scene, they couldn't find a pulse, but they tried to resucitate him, but he passed away on route to the hospital.

I remember shaking. And then the next couple of hours are a blur now. Brian stayed with me. Jennifer, Harold, Chris Wallace, and Ashley showed up. I talked to a nurse, giving her CJ's information. I talked to an officer. After breaking down, making calls, and breaking down some more, we went outside. The coroner came to talk to me out there. Legally, they can't let me do anything with him right now, because we weren't married. That means we have to locate his mother. I don't know where she is. Last time CJ said anything about her, he said they were fixing to move to San Antonio.

I'm not looking forward to talking to his mother. She and I haven't talked since the day I left her house in 2001. I know CJ kept in touch with her loosely, but it's been months since they spoke last, and that was via email. I was able to give the coroner the email address I could find, and his brother's name. He's in the Army, but the last I heard, he was overseas in Afghanistan or Iraq. I want them to be ok with what I want as far as arrangements for him go. I know there were certain things he wanted, and his family will probably not agree with them. I don't want to fight with them. I loved him, and I only want what he wanted.

My mom, brother, sister, and nephew (I think) are driving down here as we speak. They should be here by tomorrow morning. I'm going to be staying either here or with Ashley tonight. I'm not sure which yet. I haven't been thinking very clearly. I've had a few drinks, which were waiting for me. I've discovered how much of an impact he's made on our friends, because they're all here. They're such a good bunch of people. Brian's called the funeral home for me. Annie and Amber have already gotten preliminary plans for a benefit that the Harley shop is going to host. Annie has been on the phone all afternoon throwing all this together. Everyone has volunteered to pitch in for the funeral expenses. I really couldn't ask for better friends right now.

I've got a bit of a headache now. I don't think the alcohol has affected me at all, except for that. It still doesn't feel real. I saw his body. With the exception of the tubes in his mouth, he looked like he was sleeping. I sat there and laid my hand on his chest and his arm. They were still warm. He was always warm. I kissed his forehead, and it was cold, but it was like he had been out in the cold for a while. I keep expecting him to show up at any minute. I saw him, I know he's gone, but it still doesn't feel real.

I kissed him goodbye this morning before I went to work. I told him I loved him. I know he had been on my shit list for a while, but the last week or so, we'd been doing so much better. We went out yesterday after the kids left and had dinner, and saw Harry Potter again. He was practically leaning over top of me to keep me warm. I know he had to be so uncomfortable, but he wanted to be a blanket for me. I can still remember how he was looking at me as I kissed him goodbye this morning. He was so beautiful. His eyes looked...I can't really describe it. I saw the love there.

Right now I'm just waiting. Waiting for the coroner to let me know whether I can go ahead with the funeral arrangements. I'm waiting for my mom to get here. I'm just kind of here. I can't really cry anymore.
dextra: (Default)
CJ's dead. He got hit by a big truck while he was on the way to Brian's house on the motorcycle. I think I'm still in shock. I've got people with me. I'll be in touch and I'll have my phone on me. My family is on their way. I haven't got to tell the kids yet. They're still on their way home as far as I know. I'm so scared.


Mar. 5th, 2007 02:00 pm
dextra: (Green crazy face)
He brought me sushi. He may live. :p
dextra: (mardi gras)
Didn't do much of anything over the weekend. I was kinda pissed that CJ didn't want to go to New Orleans for the weekend, but I got over it. I could have gone to the Bacchus bash with Ashley last night, but she wasn't going to be coming back until late last night, so I decided against it. I would have been worthless today if I had. She'd already taken today off, so one of us needed to be here. Tomorrow's Mardi Gras, so she gets paid for it, but I don't, so I need the hours today.

There's a couple of parades tomorrow here in Covington, so I'm going to head down to catch some throws to send to the girls. I was talking to them last night and told them it was Mardi Gras time. I could hear Joey in the background yelling "Throw me somethin' mister!" It was so cute. It's times like this that I really miss them, because I love seeing how excited they get at the parades.

Other than that, I've just been a royal bitch all weekend. :D Hey, I only get the menstrual shit about once a year, so I think I'm justified in having one week where I can be emotional and hormonal and get away with it.

Oh, Katy, thanks for sending me the card, I love it. :)

*sigh* "Mom" (Benny) and "Dad" (David) are griping at each other on high volume and I can't concentrate. I'll try to get my thoughts more coherent this afternoon.
dextra: (Giiiirrrrrllll)

Yeah. Click on that to see that and more pictures from the wedding. I've added commentary there. You can almost SEE the alcohol kick in.
dextra: (Can we fix it)
That's the sound of my head bouncing off my desk. For some reason (and this is the kind of thing that could only happen first thing in the morning) the hot water in the bathtub won't shut off. I took a shower this morning, and the water turned off just like always. Then CJ took a shower and it went all screwy. He's home trying to fix it now. I had to convince him to do that. He was just going to go to work and leave the water running all day. O_o

I'm just glad that I'm at work so I don't have to listen to the water run. It was seriously stressing me out. Whoever said that running water is a calming sound never had to listen to a faucet that wouldn't shut off.
dextra: (Ace FRLY)
Brian came in last night and I was watching the Style channel. I find those extreme makeover shows fascinating. Dialogue as follows:

Brian: What the hell you watchin' the Style channel for?!
Me: I was bored, and this is kind of interesting.
Brian: I ain't watchin' no Style bullshit, damn girly stuff.
Me: In case you've forgotten, I AM a girl.
Brian: But you're a cool girl. You like comics and stuff. You don't like that kinda shit.
Me: It's called being multi-faceted. You should try it sometime.
Brian: Fuck that. I'm one way, and that's the only way I gotta be.

Meanwhile Jennifer's over in the kitchen pantomiming shooting herself in the head.

More odd conversations...and some really weird TMI )
dextra: (Vitameatavegamin)
Amazingly, I'm not hung over. Just not quite awake. Poor CJ, on the other hand, was pretty bad off last night. I know he was up puking at one point. I told him the Irish Car Bomb was a bad idea. Those things are nasty anyway.

So other than the attempt at superhuman alcohol consumption, the weekend was pretty blah. Only thing really interesting that happened was my mom calling to tell me that my first husband, who I haven't seen in about nine years called her out of the blue. I made a longer post about it on Saturday (about 3 posts back I think). It's not like it's a horrible thing, just really weird.

I'm gonna get some coffee in me and see how I can manage to do as little work as possible.
dextra: (Holiday Gir)
I spent the morning getting packages and cards mailed, so y'alls (yes, that's a word dammit) mailboxes should be all nice and splodey by next week. Oddly, it cost less to send a package to Canada than it did to send a card to Australia. Ooookay. :p

I love mailing stuff. I really do. It's like sending little bits of myself everywhere. And so far, I've sent toenails to 12 different states and 2 different countries. Just kidding. Maybe. :D

I've definitely got a cold, but I don't care. I got my usual winter supply of the big fucking Q (daytime and nighttime) last night. That was an interesting trip. CJ was driving, so when we left, there's this little road that we take to get back to the main road. Well, instead of turning left toward the main road, he turned right. I told him he was going the wrong way, but his reasoning was "It goes toward town, so it's GOT to end up there eventually."

Brilliance at work, obviously. Until we went about 3 miles and the road ended at someone's driveway. I tell him, "You know, that's how horror movies start. It's a cold night in the middle of nowhere in Louisiana. We're on a little bitty road in the boonies, just because you wanted to take a shortcut. Aaaaannnnd...right where the scary undead Cajun dude is gonna jump out of the backseat and strangle you with a crawfish net, and then take me to a voodoo priestess as a human sacrifice."

His response: "I didn't know you knew the Cajun Christmas story."

Faith Friday contribution )
dextra: (Harry and SoaP)
So I'm sitting here last night totally downloading porn doing mundane research, and CJ was sleeping on the bed behind me. I noticed it was getting late, and I thought that I should make him go to our bed. Well, I heard him giggle. This is not good, I think to myself. I turn around and he's laying there, dead asleep, giggling like an idiot.

I go sit next to him on the bed, debating whether I should wake him up or not. I'm really curious as to what's so funny. Then he rolls over and mutters, "Little fuzzy fuckers..." and pulls the blanket up under his chin. Well, that made me laugh out loud and he woke up. So I tell him that I didn't know what he was dreaming about, but it must have been pretty funny, from the way he was carrying on. So he starts to tell me what he dreamed.
Oh yes, it gets better. )
dextra: (out to lunch)
My head hurts. We went with Christie and Charlie to go tubing on the Salt River. It was fun. I needed something nice and relaxing like that to do. Apparently Dan and his girlfriend were supposed to come too, but they didn't. After getting back, we all agreed that it was probably better that way. That would have just been too many people. We're going to try to do it again in a couple of weeks, too. And next time I believe we'll take some rope or something to keep us all together. I think we all ended up unintentionally drifting off away from the group at least once. And then a couple of times we ended up getting stuck in rocks or vegetation.

I think the shittiest part was when we would get into shallow water and nearly get assraped by the rocks. But once one of us felt a rock, we'd all just lift ourselves up until we passed it. There was a lot of...river grass? I don't know what it's called. Some long, grasslike stuff that we kept getting caught between our tubes. One guy nearby likened it to "the worst case of seventies bush ever". Heh.

I really wish I had a waterproof camera (think I'll get one for the next trip - the view was amazing). I took a couple of pictures with my phone on the way there, though.

Jai guru deva om )
dextra: (Trent bananas)
Cause Internet Jesus informed us all what the 4th of July is really all about.

I need to imprint upon my brain that beer gives me headaches. Every fucking time. So no more of that. I'll stick to my White Russians from now on. We went over to Jen and Dan's for a cookout, and I was dumb enough to drink a couple of beers despite knowing the last few occasions of beer drinking have resulted in migraines. Other than the headache, it was a nice time. Jazlyn and Matt were there, too, and brought Samael, who is getting so big. That baby has so much hair! He's only five months old and has had three haircuts already. And he's so chubby, it's adorable. And of course I had to play five hundred games of peekaboo with Regan. Babies are so much fun when you're not the one who has to change diapers and all that mess. :p

My week is so messed up. I worked yesterday, have today off. I work tomorrow, and I have Thursday off for school orientation, then I work Friday. I swear, if I could have afforded to have done it, I would have taken the week off. It would have been nice, but I'll take a slowdown. I start classes on Monday, so I'm going to be pretty busy for the next three months. This is a good thing, because since we found out that CJ got the job at the Harley dealership, October can't seem to get here fast enough.

That's pretty much it for now. Oh, I have been trying to get a YouTube video to show up in a post, so if you've seen me post a couple of weird or blank posts, that would be why. I don't think I'm going to be able to get it to work tonight though. I know I've seen a couple of people in my communities that've managed to do it. I know it's something LJ was working on, but there's not been an announcement (that I know of) that it was now able to be done. If anyone knows how, I'd love to know. I'll drive y'all nuts with that shit. :p


dextra: (Default)

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