May. 30th, 2017

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 You know what's really difficult to deal with? Having new happy romantic feelings and sad grieving feelings at the same time. I've gotten a lot of reminders of Mike lately. And I'm not miserable with grief over him anymore, there are just some sad, stinging feelings that I get when I think of him that don't linger as long as they used to. There are things I'll see or hear and I wish I could share them with him, but I can't. I get sad because of things he's missing. But then I also think of things that I'm glad he's not here for. And while I do miss him, I don't miss the bad times. I wouldn't want to just pick up where we left off because that was the worst. I would rather have him safe and sober, but that wasn't something that was meant to be, it seems.

And those feelings of sadness don't diminish the way I feel about Christian. I adore him. I may be a lot more careful with him than I have with other people in the past, just due to that whole experience with Mike. And then fucking up with Ray and Scott after him. Which is probably a good thing, in a weird way. Yeah, if nothing else, I learned that they are opportunistic assholes that don't actually care about me. I think they probably cared in a way, but not in a healthy way, and not in a way that I needed. 

Christian, whether he knows it or not, is very much what I need. He doesn't make any lofty promises or demand any emotional commitments from me. He just wants to share things with me and involve me in his life and make art with me. And when we're together, he doesn't expect anything from me, but he will hold me and let me doze in his arms (and occasionally playfully chew on me). He gives me soft little kisses. And even though he says he doesn't care for direct eye contact, he looks me in the eyes when he's talking to me, and sometimes he'll pause and just stare at me and smile. 

He drew me as a vampire, even though it was a dumb drunk idea I'd texted him before I went to sleep. I guess he thought I wanted to be a "pretty" vampire, and he warned me that he draws monsters. I loved it. He made me all fang-y with reptile eyes and a bloody mouth. And he even got my lip curl in there. It's one of the things my face does that I actually like. 

Today he texted me a picture of himself in a dressing room trying on new pants and asked my opinion. He told me he might have his RV sold and if so he's taking me out for cheeseburgers and he's going to come to DCC with me. I warned him I would make him my bitch if he did, and he said he was fine with that. I'm going to make sure he understands that means he's my personal slave for the weekend. Get me food and drinks, massages, hugs, chasing down cosplayers, taking me to the hotel for a mid-day break that may involve sex. And if I'm in one of my dresses, it will most definitely involve that, because I know the power my cleavage combined with my legs have.

The only issue I might have that weekend is Danielle and by extension, Rick. I do care about them a great deal. And up until this point, it's been a given that Danielle and I will at the very least end up making out. And that's something I need to talk about with Christian at some point. If we decide we're defining our relationship, that is. And I guess that we need to do that sooner rather than later. I know i want to be with him.

I know that he's having depression and body issues that are turning him off of sex at the moment. That doesn't bother me. Actually takes a lot of pressure off. And it also lets me know that he actually likes me for me. I mean, he and I laid on my bed for hours a couple days ago, and all he did was hold me and kiss me a little. And we play fought a little and all that. But he's a sensitive fuckboy, as he told me earlier. Heh. For being as sensitive and sweet as he is, he's very dominant sexually. And I...actually love that. I love that he takes charge and makes me feel small and just ravages me. But he also takes care of me and makes me feel safe and kisses me so passionately. 

When I think of Christian, in the middle of the night when I wish he was close, I just think of him holding me. I don't think about sex. I mean, sure, sometimes I do, but what I really crave is just him holding me. I think of how he smells and how I twist my fingers around in his hair. I love his hair. It's long and black and soft and curls around my fingers like it's always meant to do that. I just want to hold him close and kiss him and breathe him in. There's just this magnetism that draws me to him and I can't not touch him when we're together. 

I think I'm going to suggest that when he does get the RV sold that he should wear "not-jeans" and I should wear a dress and we should go out for fancy cheeseburgers and maybe take his Mustang out with the top down to celebrate. And that he can take me out on a "real" date for a change. I thought about that earlier and wondered how he'd feel if I wore heels, since I'm already a couple inches taller than him. My black stilettos put me at 6 feet. And he's only 5'7". He might not mind it, I dunno.

It's thinking about that that brings me back to thinking about Mike. He loved it when I wore heels. The taller I was, the more he liked it. Those big goth boots I gave Kirstine, he loved those. They made me at least 6'2". He'd dance with me and press his face into my cleavage and start kissing until he had me half naked. But only half, because he was weird about nudity. I thought about dancing with him to Dean Martin. Probably the most romantic he ever was, that night. And I loved him, always will, but romance wasn't his forte. And Christian is not unromantic, but he is shy and awkward, but I think if I help him feel comfortable enough, he can be.

I have the thoughts about Mike here and there. And I've talked to Christian about him a little bit. I didn't want to dump too much on him at once, but eventually I'll tell him everything. When I'm able to tell him in a way that he knows that he's what I really want and that he's not having to compete with a memory. I know that can be a daunting aspect in a relationship when it's present. But I'm perfectly ok to take things slow with Christian. He's worth it.

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